Match Report: Transexual Transylvania vs. Bone Again (Week 1)

Transexual Transylvania 1 - 1 Bone Again

That summary doesn't tell the story quite as well as this one, though:

Unfortunately, the Necromantic players were still pretty fresh from the ground and hadn't quite worked the kinks out of their muscles. The Transylvanian elf Kordar managed to nearly kick a poorly-assembled flesh golem in half during the opening seconds of the game, which proved a fitting opening to a half dominated by a massive riot in the center of the field. Zombie tackler Kevin of Glendalough suffered a similar fate a short time later, but he dragged his shattered spine off the field and spent the rest of the half putting himself back together with wood nails and duct tape. What a trooper!
The mute werewolf player Growl managed to break free of the scrum with ball in claw, but a group of Dark Elves followed close behind. The wight known only as John the Baptist attempted to slow their pursuit, but the elf enforcer Magenta hit him so hard that the echoes were felt up in the announcer's booth. John hit the ground crying out about a pinched nerve and refused to change his story even when the Necromantic coach pointed out that he doesn't have any nerves in the first place. (John is currently recovering in the "Big Whiny Crybaby" ward.) At almost the same time, the elven player Rynnear attempted to break free and assist his teammates only to have his pelvis shattered by a well-placed shamble from veteran dead guy Maximus of Turin. The elves surrounded Growl and knocked him to the ground, but he scooped up the ball as he got up and managed to break free and run it in during the closing seconds of the half.
Entering the second half tremendously weakened, the Necromantic team found themselves unable stop the elven offense from punching through. It looked like the luck of the undead might be turning around when wight Juan Diego cornered the Dark Elf ball carrier Brad Majors at the ten yard line with an assist from Growl. Diego quickly showed his true colors, though, failing a series of block attempts that ended with Majors tossing the ball aside and flattening him single-handedly. Growl managed to incapacitate himself attempting to fend off Majors' reinforcements, and the Dark Elf team was able to casually walk the tying point in over the unconscious Necromantic defenders.

It was a back-breaking season opener for Bone Again, who will limp into their next game without two of their important defensive playmakers. The Transylvanians fared significantly better, but still were only able to manage a tie. Both teams will just have to hope that this game wasn't an omen presaging a season full of fumbled passes, failed dodges, and shattered armor.